Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Coming Back to Earth

I'm listening to a song off the soundtrack from one of Bea's all time favorite movies - Wall-E. The song is called "Down to Earth" by Peter Gabriel. I love this song because, well, it's a great song, but more importantly it ties me to Bea.

It is very hard to stay in reality right after you lose a child. They are just so present. Bea is everywhere, all over my house, in my thoughts, in my dreams. She is getting off school the bus at 2:38, excited to come home and play with Lewis. 

But it is impossible to wish away the truth of her absence. I try and try and try. Every morning I turn on the light in her room hoping that she'll be there. I know that she won't but I have to check. I know she's not on the school bus but I still dream that she's coming home. This isn't optimism. It's denial.

A little bit of denial is what I need today. It's giving me the time to come to terms with what really happened to Bea over the past 12 months and how to learn to live without her. Because this new reality is not one that I chose and it's not one that I want. Any of you who know me really well know how good I am at adjusting circumstances so that it suits me. How can I adjust these circumstances so that they suit me? For once in my life I can't do it. Denial is the only way until I'm ready to come back to earth.