I haven't felt particularly inspired to write about my life this fall. I've just very much needed the quiet.
Taking care of Bea and becoming a public figure of some sort was very much outside of my comfort zone. I am actually not an extrovert but had to put on that hat to provide her with the entertainment and company that she wanted and needed during the 12 months of her illness. Bea was a little shy but got a lot of energy from the buzz around her. This need fueled me to provide that for her and so I made sure she had it.
It's amazing what you can do and be given the right motivation. You can become someone you never knew you could be. Your natural inclinations are turned on their head and your life becomes virtually unrecognizable.
In many ways I lost myself in Bea's illness. It's the only time in my life when I found not being myself was OK. But with her death came not only grief but finding out who I am without her. I like who I am but I don't like being without her. And that's an essential part of who I am now and there's no choice about it. Part of accepting her death has been to accept who I am now.
And what I am is a quiet person who prefers the company of just one or a few friends, who is uncomfortable at parties and who prefers spending my day doing creating things by myself or hanging out with my family.
It's a pretty simple life but it's the one that I've made. And I like it.