Sunday, September 29, 2013

Just About Over

The month that I dreaded is just about over.

Bea's 8th birthday was this past Thursday. I took Lewis out of school and Chris took the day off. The plan was to go to the Atlanta Botanic Gardens but we just couldn't get moving. So we ended up going out to lunch and the park. Then we went home and spent some time in our back yard. Chris tended to the garden.

I know that a lot of friends read my blog to see what's really going on because in person I don't get really emotional. It makes me uncomfortable and that discomfort overrides any grief that I'm feeling. So I get upset and cry on my own, which is how I prefer it.

This month has been especially hard and it's made me a real pain in the ass some days. I'm cranky and pretty whiny when I talk to friends. It's a little hard to be positive some days. I don't ever spend a day sulking or sleeping or anything like that. But, the sunny side of things that usually presents itself isn't.

So I continue to do the things that I like to do and don't avoid anything that's difficult. The reason is that even when I'm down I am optimistic about my future. I hope  that one day I'll be able to look at a photo album of Bea and feel happy. Maybe not blissfully happy but that'd be just fine.

Monday, September 9, 2013

The Little Man

I call Lewis "Little Man". It's a term of endearment and I never address him with those words when he's in trouble. I want him to know that those are good words and not a nickname to fear.

Lewis started Kindergarten a month ago and is loving it. During the first week of school he started asking a lot about Beatrice again. He asked where she was and I told him that I didn't know for sure but that if heaven does exist that's where she certainly is. For her sake I hope it does because she deserves to be there and for my sake I'd like to think that there's a place we can meet again. But, I just don't know. I can only hope.

Lewis wanted to see where heaven is on a map and asked the question several different ways to try and get an answer he understood. The idea of a place that isn't part of our physical space was too abstract for him to grasp. To him heaven is akin to the North Pole. It's a place in the world that you just can't get to but it's on our planet.

Anyway, Lewis is a great kid and does what kids his age do. He's really curious and wants to play all the time. He's reading now and I frequently find him passed out in his bed on top of a book. He likes rules when they're written down and consistent. When they're not he will be quick to question their legitimacy.

I do as much as I can to keep him from being lonely. His favorite cartoons are not age appropriate - a little young - but they're all about a brother and sister so I just can't encourage him to watch something else. I feel that he needs their stories and understands the bond of the sibling characters. It's a place just needs to go sometimes.

He is still very attached to his Mickey Mouse and takes him almost everywhere. When the doll gets dirty he asks me to wash him. He sometimes takes on a Mickey persona but that's usually an excuse to do Lewis' dirty work. If something falls over or there's a mess to clean up I find that it's often Mickey's fault. Funny how he doesn't recognize that when Bea was alive it was usually Lewis who made the messes.

Lewis is young and has adjusted well to his new normal. That's what happens when you're that young. Every day is an adaptation and shapes who you will be. Thankfully, it seems that Lewis is on his way and will soon be his own person, not just my little man.