The Heavy Days

Like anybody else I'm a sentimental person and I pick and choose what I'm sentimental about. My tendency is to pine over days of past happiness and feel deeply that I could relive those days. I'll go over little details in my head and wish I were in that time and place.

Today I wish I were at Disneyworld in 2012.

One year ago we took the kids on their first of two amazing vacations to Disney World. I didn't post much about it because the trip over Memorial Day was just so magical and for some reason I didn't want to share too much.

One year ago today we were waking up at the Animal Kingdom Lodge with great expectations. Chances are we had brunch at the lodge because it was the best food. The plans for the day were to go to Magic Kingdom. I remember being there and watching a performance in front of the big castle. I remember Bea and Lewis sitting in their rented kid stroller enjoying the singing and dancing but not having much of a view. So Chris picked up Bea and I held Lewis up as high as we could so they could see.

I remember visiting Tomorrowland and going on the People Mover multiple times. I don't remember if this was the day when it rained in the morning and we spent lunch and some play time at the Contemporary Resort. I think it was. If so, we hung out there to eat and play in the arcade while the rain passed and then went onto Magic Kingdom.

I remember Bea being able to walk and talk like any normal, healthy child. I didn't have to hold her hand when she walked because she was steady and strong. I didn't have to worry about her running out of energy because she had plenty to spare.

I'm so glad that I have these wonderful memories. But, I want more. I've been told that Chris and I did so well to give Bea a great year. That gives us a small amount of peace but in the larger scheme of things that's hardly a prize. It's just something said to distract from the harsh reality of her absence. It's never going to be OK that she's gone. No number of happy stories is going to erase that fact. 

What I Have

It's hot in Georgia again. That's typical for late May in the deep south. The heat doesn't bother me. It elevates a lot of the smells I love in the summer. Fresh cut grass. Steamy rain. Dark, rich red mud that's full of clay.

Life today is a dichotomy. It is a day split into two very different feelings. Joy, or at least contentment and peace, and sadness. Learning to live with both has been difficult. The joy I experience comes with no guilt but I find that whenever I have any kind of extreme feeling - especially good ones - I quickly shift emotional gears and drift into feelings of loss and sadness. I wrote some weeks ago about the grief being close to the surface. It's still there and just about anything can trigger it. The most common trigger for me ironically is happiness.

It can be a very confusing place. A very fragile space. A little bit broken. Not quite whole.

I don't know what I would do if I didn't have Lewis. He keeps me strong and focused most days. His exhuberant happiness is contagious. And he loves me unconditionally and knows that I love him, too. He lets me care for him and be his best mommy. I so deperately need to be that person.

I am so grateful for Lewis. He gives me all that I have and everything I want to be.