Wednesday, May 22, 2013

What I Have

It's hot in Georgia again. That's typical for late May in the deep south. The heat doesn't bother me. It elevates a lot of the smells I love in the summer. Fresh cut grass. Steamy rain. Dark, rich red mud that's full of clay.

Life today is a dichotomy. It is a day split into two very different feelings. Joy, or at least contentment and peace, and sadness. Learning to live with both has been difficult. The joy I experience comes with no guilt but I find that whenever I have any kind of extreme feeling - especially good ones - I quickly shift emotional gears and drift into feelings of loss and sadness. I wrote some weeks ago about the grief being close to the surface. It's still there and just about anything can trigger it. The most common trigger for me ironically is happiness.

It can be a very confusing place. A very fragile space. A little bit broken. Not quite whole.

I don't know what I would do if I didn't have Lewis. He keeps me strong and focused most days. His exhuberant happiness is contagious. And he loves me unconditionally and knows that I love him, too. He lets me care for him and be his best mommy. I so deperately need to be that person.

I am so grateful for Lewis. He gives me all that I have and everything I want to be.