Again, I wish I were asleep. But, I can't sleep. It's just not possible. My mind is racing with a thousand thoughts and nothing from moment to moment.
I wish Bea were at home, sleeping in our bed, nestled between me and Chris like she's been doing for months. She doesn't go to sleep that way. She goes to sleep in Lewis' bunk. Then in the middle of the night she wakes up and wants company. When she could walk she would enter our room on her own and climb into bed. When she could no longer do so she would call my name... mom. I would walk over to her, carry her into the room and tuck her in.
I'll never hear that again. Not from Bea. Not ever. Her weight is something I will not have to carry anymore, not that I ever complained. It was never a burden.
Bea will be moved to hospice today, at Scottish Rite. The doctors have done all they can for her. She will not awake. She will not speak. Her little body will not survive her cancer.
She has maybe a few days or possibly a week left. It is hard to tell. But, she is on her way and there is no stopping it. No amount of tears or blogging or making art or anything can stop it. It is happening.
I don't know if I'll post again or what I will have to say next. Again, I'm entering a world that I don't want to belong to. Gaining experiences that nobody wants. It is a living hell. There's no more apt symbol than that wretched place.