I've been told that I handled Bea's cancer with grace. That's a kind observation. From the inside looking out that's not how I saw things.
I saw every day as an opportunity. I still do. An opportunity for joy and sharing and love with my family. A day where I can do the things that I love the most. An exciting day or a peaceful day or a silly day. Many days were broken up so all of those moments were in the mix one after the other.
What is the point of being on this planet if you can't experience and share joy? Why sit around and complain about things that you really can fix? Why do we do things that are unsatisfying day in and day out and call that compromise? It's not compromise. It's unspirited and not joyful.
This opinion that I'm putting out there is not new to me and it didn't come to me after Bea got sick. Her illness cemented my resolve to never miss an opportunity for joy and to make sure that while she was alive that she didn't either. And, Lewis, too, of course.
Even today, after everything that our family has gone through, Lewis is the happiest little boy I know. He is five and STILL a bundle of joy. Those of you who know him understand what I mean. He is a happy, bouncing, laughing, silly, curious, entertaining little man who can't pass up a single chance for fun. And I don't want him to give up that love for life when he turns 6 or 16 or 60.
Bea won't have those chances again but at least she had a year. I feel for the parent who looses a child suddenly. Or the parent whose child becomes ill and never fully recovers. Bea had so many wonderfully healthy months and we filled them all with as much joy as we could fit. Knowing that gives me a lot of peace. I miss her terribly but she knows that and it won't change the amazing year she had before she died.