Monday, March 4, 2013

The Hard Part, Still

It's been over two months since Bea died and I'll admit that it is not one bit easier today. In many ways it's harder because it's been so long since I've seen her. I miss her more than ever.

If you have children it's hard to imagine them not returning from a weekend trip with their grandparents or not coming home from camp. You miss them but you know you'll get to hug them and spend time with them again. Your longing for their return will be satisfied.

I am not satisfied.

No amount of work or art classes or playing tennis or hanging with friends fills that void. It's all entertaining and I appreciate it but it's not what I need. And I can't have what I need.

This is where denial does you no good. Because I have no cute little foot to tickle in the car. Or long beautiful hair to brush before school. Or giggly hug-a-bug to love on all morning, afternoon and evening. Because that was what Bea gave me. When I need Bea I hit my wall of denial and crash right through it.

It's so incredibly painful.

This pain doesn't prevent me from doing the things I love to do and take care of Lewis and be with Chris. I am living a good life and appreciate everything I have. Losing Bea has motivated me to seize every opportunity for joy that am given and drives me to seek it out on my own. No regrets. Lots of tears but definitely no regrets.