Sunday, January 22, 2012

I Am Not Strong But I'm OK With That

What is strength anyway?

To me, this idea of strength comes from an historically heroic place. I am no hero. I'm just a mom who's taking care of her kid the best she can. Any of you would do the same.

I have such divergent feelings and emotions that it is very hard to keep track of and I really don't try. I am totally distracted and easily persuaded. At the same time I am completely focused and stubborn as hell. I can't sit still but am tired. I want to control every moment of the day but I don't want to plan for the next one. 

But, I have to plan because without thinking about the future there is no hope. And hope is something I have. Hope is what keeps me going. Hope reins in the focus, lack of focus, fatigue, manic energy and all the rest of those contradictory aspecs of my day. Hope keeps me steady.

I feel very, very steady. That steadiness keeps calm in our home. It allows Beatrice and Lewis to have joy in their day. It keeps me and Chris together, at a time when we need each other so very much.

So, screw being strong. I'll take being steady over that any day of the week.


  1. You seem very strong to me, Helen. Hang in there. xox


  2. Amen to that Helen! I found your blog by looking through my Etsy store favorites (which your zigahelen store is in there). That is where I saw your shop notice. I am so very sorry to hear about your sweet little girl Bea.

    I know this is not the same but I can relate all to well to your blog post. I have 4 puppy dogs that are like my children (literally). They are the loves of my life. My little Chihuahua, D'Angelo was diagnosed with epilepsy over 3 years ago. His is really, really bad. I have been to all sorts of doctors, specialists (some even 5 1/2 hours from our home) to make sure that he has the best care possible. He has gone through countless different medications and is now on human seizure meds that he takes 7 times a day. He has secondary health issues from the medications (like severe liver problems, etc.). He almost died 3 times last year. I would do anything in the world for him as you would do for your Sweet Bea. It has been very tough these last three years (he has to be watched 24/7). I have been through all the emotions that you have above and have finally gotten to the point where I can half way control my emotions. Now, I just thank God every night for having him in my life for one more day. Although he is a dog to some he is my child like Bea is yours. You are a very strong and brave woman. My heart goes out to you. Prayers and love are coming your and Bea's way. I will stop by your fundraising site to help out so Sweet Bea can experience the joy and magic of Disney World.




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