What is strength anyway?
To me, this idea of strength comes from an historically heroic place. I am no hero. I'm just a mom who's taking care of her kid the best she can. Any of you would do the same.
I have such divergent feelings and emotions that it is very hard to keep track of and I really don't try. I am totally distracted and easily persuaded. At the same time I am completely focused and stubborn as hell. I can't sit still but am tired. I want to control every moment of the day but I don't want to plan for the next one.
But, I have to plan because without thinking about the future there is no hope. And hope is something I have. Hope is what keeps me going. Hope reins in the focus, lack of focus, fatigue, manic energy and all the rest of those contradictory aspecs of my day. Hope keeps me steady.
I feel very, very steady. That steadiness keeps calm in our home. It allows Beatrice and Lewis to have joy in their day. It keeps me and Chris together, at a time when we need each other so very much.
So, screw being strong. I'll take being steady over that any day of the week.